I'll bring you back to the stars.

tee hee! Actually i'm not really sure on what to post. My mind is often blank these few days, stuffed with nothing but disturbing/harmful thoughts which obviously i'm not too sure how to put it to words. I'm beginning to wonder if there's more to friendship then what i have now? It's like the more i'm exposed to others with different life style, the more i stumble upon questions which i absolutely have no idea on how to answer. Or the matter on which if i would only choose a prefered answer.

At times i would rather be the type of friend who lays back, enjoying the view of others, be it good or bad sceneries, with my huge basket of pop corns in my hand i'll just notice at a distance. With out a single care of the world around me i'll just get along with what's left of my lifeless life. lifeless life....yeah exactly. Not that i'm complaining don't get me wrong, i actually do enjoy what i'm doing now WHILE hunting for an available job. Like i said before, it's those kind of experience when asked u'll answer "i wouldn't encourage it, but yet i never regreted". You'll be surprise on how much you can actually see and notice the people around you when u're doing absolutely nothing for a year. I know i was. Anyway although as much as i would like not giving a shit but no man is an island, and friends are always a subtance which can't be forsaken.

I hate finding faults in people in the later stage. Then again who is actually perfect out there. I guess what i mean are non-acceptable faults.. at least to me. You think u know a person really well, in and out, snap at their exact action each time, but all a sudden they would screw things up by flashing their true colours at you? I dunno but i do find that a real turn off. I believe i do have some non-acceptable points which i'm carrying with me all the time. I'm cautious on how bad a character i have in me. It's whether i'm willing to show it that's the case. There are some things in me which i'm never proud off but yet i'm unwilling of changes to be done. I dunno? I rather be a semi-average person who have faults and at times, despised by others, then a perfect person. It's probably the adrenaline rush and of course the unique excitement one gets when encountering problems in themselves.

*pant that's quite alot for a person who initially had absolutely nothing in mind to write about. Oh well, it's just nothing but a rant which may prove senseless to many. You know what we all should do? Down a chill pill and have a cup of shut the fuck up! =D



A home session party i was at last week... mind you i had none of those stuffs nor would i ever try them.

Thanks Sui for everything. U've been there to listen to me rant all the time. Appreciates. This is for you... rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!! rawr!!


Steve and Me

If i'm not mistaken that's Bourke Street and we're standing somewhere near Target. I can still remember that day as clear as crystal, me and Steve were helping out Sau Yan on some photography assignment in which she had to take some random shots of abstract stuffs. That is if i remember correctly cause she loves to take pictures and we've done that heaps of time. But anyway yeah, this picture reminded me bout how i went through the years in Melbourne with Steve standing firm by my side not most but all the time whenever i needed him.

I can still recall one shitty experience i had with my SE(Software Engineering) final assignment. It was the last day to finish up everything on that particular assignment and my team mate couldn't manage to complete the final coding stage of the desired system. Without him having to complete the final stage, i couldn't move on with the documentation phase. He needed to return home for some fucked up reason which i couldn't be bothered to remember. And i was just left there with the incomplete coding and documentation phase which had to be done no matter that. I couldn't fail that subject or any other subject for that matter.

I laid there infront of my computer, stunned beyond words and of course blanked as ever. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as though i've not been fed for few hours. Random negative thoughts just ran through my head such as i'm going to fail if i don't get this done (No shit!), i'm gonna dissapoint my parents, [since SE is a prerequisite of ITPM(IT Project Management) and ITPM is a prerequisite of the IE Project (Industrial Experience/Final Year Project) and i'm doing all of them all together, if i fail, i'm gonna bring down the other 2 as well], think i'll resolve to suicide, *insert many many dark negative thoughts here.

The first person i called was Steve. I'm not ashame to admit that i was sobbing on the phone while telling him the condition of my project. Steve didn't say much and came straight away although he was chilling with his bunch of friends. My other 2 housemates were not at home so i needed someone to actually keep me calm to finish the project. When he reached my place, which was approximately 9 + p.m, he just sat there on my bed next to me giving me the blank stare. With endless effort, and of course encouragement from him, i manage to complete the entire project at 3 in the morning. I offered him to stay for the night since it's already so late and u know it's never safe to be out in the streets at that ungodly hour but he said he had something important to do at the city in the early morning and thus he had to head home. I called the cab for him and he left.

Even so just sitting there i could feel the amount of positive encourgement and care he gave. He has taught me what's life is all about till this extent and for that i'm ever grateful. Without him persisting in advicing me my wrongs i wouldn't have been the person i am today. A little dissapointed that he's not gonna be back for the holidays in December though. It would have been nice to catch up on lost times since i left Melbourne.

Hell corny man. But i just couldn't think of anything better to write. Actually there's a certain convo i had with Sui which i wanted to post up here. It was FUCKING hilarious i swear! What a waste i never saved the log file. U're lucky this time girl! =D

There was a star danced, and under that was I born.

Luv ya babes

Thanks for always being different from the rest and also being patient with me throughout our friendship. You'll always be deemed the different yet special one to me. I know at times i may be a little beyond simple to handle as a close friend, and not forgetting unreasonable as well, but i've never stop trying to be the friend u always wanted and needed. I can never hide whenever you're there, hence being the all speculated moody-always-in-deep-thoughts-like-self. U're one of the few who understands me, i wouldn't say fully?, but enough to be satisfied. Don't ever change.

To the person who stays 2 floors below me, MJ, whose birthday was 2 days back, thanks for everything. We've been through alot in the pass and i never regreted every moment of it. Always looked up to you as elder brother. It was nice having a few of us at Pizza Unos last night for dinner. Although i didnt have anything to munch but thanks for the drink. All hail the 'sex god'! And that's nothing short of a compliment. =D

tee hee! refrain from reading the heading more then once. I found it really hilarious although it doest post a really sensitive message. Yeah don't mind me. Anyway, after a long yet enjoyable weekend at Atmosphere, my Sunday started out pretty productive. Me and Sow decided to defy the laws of logic by attempting to walk the whole of Kiara Hill. Initially Joyce called and asked if i would wanna join her, Ryan and Ashley for lunch but i didn't feel really good at that time and puking was at the top of my head. So yeah i had to take a rain cheque. Back to Kiara, i know alot of you out there could just finish the entire path without much effort but when u're carrying the amount of excess baggage with u it's seriously not funny at all. Plus smoking is suicide.

So yeah you can just imagine the huffing and puffing i was doing while attempting the impossible. After much complaining and contemplating whether should i just throw myself down the hill, i manage to finish the entire hill. Obviously i was drenched all over and people were staring as though my man tits are spilling out to the open. Yeah it did felt good again but it was hell no doubt. I swear if i had to die, this would the way.

Anyway i had a really good chat with a friend on Saturday night. Although there were stuffs which me myself do realise but yet i never really gave it much thought and for that i've forsaken heaps of responsibility. Stuffs as simple as, family, money, and job priorities were shared. Maybe i really should learn to budget and patch things back with my family. I do acknowledge the fact that i'm really a rebellious kid, but i too understand that they have been there for me through thick and thin. The least i could do is give them the respect in which they deserve.

I was asked too why am i always with tEh chicks but yet i'm not showing any signs of intentions. I often find it fun and entertaining to just chill with not only the oppo sex but guys as well. It's really fun to be open while knowing the limits which shouldn't be crossed as well. There's no commitment to be met, u'll feel that u're cared/loved for as a friend and the fact that you could share almost everything is priceless. It's not the status to be bragged about, but the relationship among friends which is fun. I mean yeah, as a person, most of the times we feel more comfortable opening up to the same sex, but it's really great being able to open up fully to the oppos too. U'll be surprised on what you could learn from one another. I know i am. But at times it could be a little difficult when things get a little out of hand. Not speaking bout mindless steamy tearing of cloths but the inevitability to surpress feelings would prove to be hostile. =D Keep and open mind, act respetable, conscious of what u're doing, lay back, and enjoy the experience at it's fullest. Either all that or my sex appeal is just drowning out on me.

Gawd i'm so emo at times, but it hell better then posting what i did everyday which is totally monotonous. Strangers who chill with me for a day would be able to tell that i have no life. Fuck this cyber life, i'm off to watch 'Versus'. Don't think i'll be able to complete the entire DVD but i'll try. Feeling a little drowsy at the moment. Oh well ........ ZzzZZzzzzzz

Exhaustion is filling me up now as i'm typing this post. My day started out REALLY early, 9:30 a.m, had to bring my damn car for absorber maintenance which leached me out a total of RM471. Thank god Terence, the guy at Speedworks, was really nice and just charged me RM450. Main reason was because i had only that amount with me there and then. =D So yeah my car had to be left there till 6 in the evening.

Since Chen was nice enough to drag himself out of bed and off the peacefulness of being asleep, i my as well join him for breakfast at hoh weng kei, ss2. Not too long after that we met up with Johnson, Jessie, Sui and Johnson's fren at Maverick's place. I was really drowned out by then but i didnt want to waste the day lazzing in bed. Chatted for while then i decided to head to Sui's house to record the video. I swear her house is huge! Not as big as my left nut though but spacious.

Got the cd ready, chose the song which was suitable, hammered the floor, died on the couch. And it was only 43 seconds or so. Thought i could go on for 1 hour but who was i kidding. Practically impossible for someone of my size. But hell, the marbled floor did wonders. Felt as if i was floating though i do defy the law of levitation. =D Got Sui to play back the vid for me to see and i think it's true what Mary and Joyce thought of me when i start dancing. I look like a fucking bear who just got his first block of honey of the day from a bees nest.

Went down to Atmosphere again just now. Pretty fun night minus the fact that i was really hungry. The gastric feeling was pilling in which caused me not being able to stand up properly without having to squirm here and there. Pictures are at Sui's site. Poor girl looked as though she was really bored. Guess i do owe u dinner as well. :)

Last weekend was pretty satisfying in Atmosphere. As always, nearly the whole world were there wasting what's left of their pitiful life. I was one of them which doesn't comes as a surprise to many. To avoid the monotonous life of foosballing and plain indulgence of having a drink, one must strive to find other satisfaction to be met. As many would fine it controversial to lame at a club which even myself agrees, yet i still do it. Why? Because i wanna escape. Alot have asked, "Why Ben? Why of all places? Can't you do something different? Clubbing is a thing of the past. Grow up and try to find other sort of entertainment which may prove to be a little more rewarding" To me i'm like "What? Reading a book? Having chats while sipping a cup of coffee? Fishing? Home sessions? Participating in raw fleshy activities like gothic group orgy?" Although i can't and wouldn't doubt the level of tranquility of each stated alternatives, especially the last one, but i'm already in that situation of 'been there done that'?, minus the last one. fuhhhhh!! spoken like a true dickhead who still has heaps to learn. =D

I guess it's just the little simple things in life which i fancy. For clubbing, it's not much of the music as i've already mentioned a zillion times it sucks but mainly for the company. Don't be mistaken, it's never that simple. In clubs u tend to get reaquainted to those who you've left behind. True, there may be ample amount of fake convos which u must participate in but if u're someone who loves to think and recollect thoughts, u'll love the experience. Trust me and give it a try. Probably the fact of acceptance which strives me to feel overjoyed. I'm not saying that each group there accepts me as one of them, but i would love to be given the benefit of the doubt at least. It's those of "Hey how are you? Haven't been seeing u around for a long time? What have u been doing? Where u studying/working? So how's life?" which have to be harboured. At times i do feel that these needs are of importance to cultivate good ethics. I do believe that the very essence of life lies in the ability of adaption. Ok, yeah i need not had to make it sound so drama mama or fantazo lazo but i guess that's what i choose to believe. Unsure bout you guys, but i love having the freedom of being in different life styles of others, even for that limited period of time. It kinda excites me to realise that they're different yet fun to be with.

Lynn's latest post got me noticing some things which seems to be dominating the youths lately. Tattoo. There seems to be a couple of my friends who recently just gotten theirs done. I've been asked before "Hey Ben, i notice u have your ear lobe enlarged. Do you have a tattoo as well? No? Are u planning on having one?" Not only me, but i'm sure many would regard being permanently coloured as a personal thing and not just because alot of people have it. I think Lynn's dragon rocks! =D I've always fancied a fallen angel on my back. Yeah i'm not much of an angel myself but i do like to think that i've fallen off the eyes of god to a point of no return. To you christians out there who thinks i still can be flowered with the mercy of God and be accepted by him, do keep your opinions to yourself. Believe me, i've heard it tons of times. Hell i've even preached it to those who was in my current state. Anyway, that would surely be my first body art if i do get around scrapping up the cash. Half back ain't gonna be cheap. The second one would be a name which belongs to a certain someone. For now i can only dream of having one.

The Matrix was indeed entertaining enough to keep me glued at my seat the entire way. I must say that it was pretty smooth sailing from the beginning to the end of the third installment. A little dissapointed yet a little relief as i didn't have to go through the ordeal of making sure i'm paying full attention to what's everyone saying. U know how it is for Reloaded, where the oracle and architect starts yapping at neo, gawd that was so brain straining. I mean yeah, the concept of the movie is to involve everyone to mind bloggling sessions. Where you have to think hard, ask everyone, read forums, assume a little, and wah lah u'll only manage to obtain 50% of understanding of the movie.

I seem to acknowledge the fact that this month ain't a pretty month as there were quite a number of deaths around. Like most, i'm never good in dealing with something as traumatic. Once is enough for the mean time for me. Recently a guy just passed away who is believed to be friends with some of my friends. I've never gotten the opportunity to meet him before but i believe he played a big part in my friend's lives. Rest in peace dude. I know it's hard and at times it would seemed impossible to pick yourself up and move on, but give it time, anything can be accomplished. Take your time, but don't take too long. It's really ironic on how these dark experiences cultivate people's ethics in life. All i can say, that u'll surely be change and probably if lucky, able to let down the sorrows. I believe when u've already gotten over someone passing on is when u start thinking of that certain someone it would not put tears in your eyes, but instead a smile on your face. A legacy perhaps which u would finally regard he/she as to u.

Another eye-opener experience i had this week was meeting up with feefs last night at Lutong mamak. She had with her this friend who posed a shocking resemblance to Mak. I swear everything from hair, face, body fairness, character, even the age was i wouldn't say entirely, but partially matched. It felt good actually to be able to witness something like that which doesn't comes a long really often. Hell, i've never dreamt about him since he left.

Matrix Revolutions

Firstly, I ROCK cause i think my title beats the one of the Matrix movie. Have to admit that the matrix is one movie which boggles the mind fully. I remember having to catch the first and second installment to this movie more then once to fully understand what was actually happening. Besides that, i needed extra information from Matrix forums to really dissect the movie. Yeah i know i may be a little on the slow side but there was where the fun was. It's not some mindless movie where u would go "suspected the ending was gonna be like that" instead u'll leave the cinema feeling really fucked up that half the time u were just fucking the crucial talking scenes and just waited for the bullet time fighting scenes.

The third and final installment will be out tomorrow but sadly is mostly for invites only. Can only catch it on thursday midnight. I loose this time. Sui, Leong, and Crist will be telling me the ending far earlier before my show ever starts showing. Mainly cause their show is at 9:40 p.m (i think), and mine is at 12:40 p.m. Ratzzzz it's time to turn off my phone and avoid getting msgs like "And the ending is Neo kung-fu the machines all the way back to hell". So yeah i'll be catching it this thursday at GSC Mid Valley. Can't wait seriously. Although i know some spoilers for the movie already, but i'm not mean enough to state any of them here. =D

Was talking to a friend just now and she's having a really hard time adjusting to some problems she just had. Felt a little useless not being able to be there in person to comfort her. But yeah she's not really keen in talking bout it as it hurts badly. Understandable. But i'm sure that she's strong enough to handle it. Will always be here for u babes. Take care always and cheer up. *hugs =D

And please ignore the last post. It's not written by me but by the Evil Panda. He has nothing better to do. tee hee! Go visit his site people!

p/s: Sui... the possibilities are endless i tell u! U ROCK GIRL! tee hee!

I lie awake at night on my bed... thinkin over and over and over again... who am I??? WHO AM I?!?!?! ~body and soul...i'm a freakkkk, i'm a freakkk...~ im just plain ol' ben... or AM I?!?!?!? hhhmmm. the world has been soooo cruel to me. i lie awake and pray how my dreams will turn reality and how my nightmares remain dreams. oh cruel world. pleaseeeeee Love me ! ! !

Was rekindling the experience i had in Melbourne. No, not raves, kandy, or bass this time. It's all about the peacefulness and the freedom that i had with me when i was abroad. Fun time like meeting up with Chen, Zing, Sow was no dount amusing. Would just lay back, chill at Chen's place scrowning off some pizzas while watching some b grade shit programe on tv. When there are times the food chain is empty, we would just scroll down the lane till the nearest supermarket, which was of course not very near, and just sum up some cash to buy junks... mostly instant food though knowing we're lazy as hell to be fucked with cooking.

One the major favourites we had was the sushi in some small alley at chapel street. As one of our friends were working there, we get heaps of extra stuffs to feed out hunger. Ok not heaps but enough to safely conclude that we're really stuffed! They have more fun without me though cause mainly they stay fairly far from me in the suburb. I can't always afford to take cab back and forth so yeah that's one of the main regrets i'm still carrying with me.

Chilling out in Frankston where Sow stayed was, to my surprise, really rewarding. Although the layout of the place is pretty fucked with limited amount of old people hanging bout, but the beach was killer. We would just head down to a beer stop to get some and head down to the beach to just chill. One of the ultimate zen i would admit. Yeah i don't enjoy drinking beer, i'm more of a whisky person, but hell the atmosphere did compensate in full.

Besides the beach, Sow's place was perfectly a relaxing spot. Not to mention his bed which everyone would admit to that it's really so soft that u could just doze off in a matter of seconds. There was this one time when i stayed over, Sow was on the couch and i was of course on his bed, we chatted endlessly bout religion. I was stating to him how stupid i was, how naive i was, how pious i was, how freaky i was the last time. We were talking and talking till i just doze off. Probably the last 15 minutes of the convo we didn't know what the fuck we were discussing about.

One of the best times i had there was usually when i'm alone. As sad and dull as it may sound but i shit u not, it fucking rocks! U just have to keep an open mind bout being able to reside in one self. Have some time alone, screw the world for the limited time u've been given. Catching a movie alone was one of the things i resolved to when i had nothing better to do. Imagine... just me, my large coke, my maltesers, fuck the pop corns, my huge 2 seats which i can just lay back and watch the big screen. Hell i would have thrown in a pillow if i have one with me each time. After the movie, i would quietly leave the cinema and just catch the next tram back to my place.

Besides that, indulging myself in raves and bass/kandy. I'm talking about being alone. Aside from the vibe i catch each time at these joints, other stuffs proved to be quite satisfying as in zenish. Since Bass/kandy only opens on friday night, it was a must to party there whenever i had the time. The night starts out with meeting of friends for dinner, catching a movie, chilling out at the amusement centre and just when the clock strikes 1 i'm off for the time of my life alone. The feeling of just leaving the group behind, catching a tram alone, lining up there for pass was just astonishing. Obviously i'm not stating that i love to leave my friends behind for some club, don get me wrong at all. It's like i've just changed my lifestyle there and then. Hanging out with the locals, shuffling to hard tunes, taking a smoke in the cold weather, no wait i don't smoke that time, FUCKED UP. By 6 a.m, although the club was not closed yet i was just too drained to go on any longer. Walked down the street few blocks to catch the next tram home. Recollecting thoughts of happiness while the morning sun shines directly at my face. Grab a sub and just head home to rest. Now that's zen to me =D

This entire weekend was revolved around celebrating friends birthday. On friday night, it was Juin Seng's and Ryan's birthday. Seng was turning 22 then where as Ryan was celebrating his 21st birthday. There endless booze on both side of the party. Seng's one was at his house in Chow Yang, and Ryan's was at Aero in KL. Many at Chow Yang were also in Aero much later in the night so u can kinda imagine that everyone was everywhere.

Abel was doing a fantastic job serving drinks to people. Although there were a little provoking once in a while to down alot, but what's a party if there's no such thing eh? As usual Gavin was being his usual nutty self again. Besides Ryan being the primary target for most, Gavin too had his fair share of drinks from most of us. Bitch stole my thunder that night! =D hee hee! Only because i let you ok! Anyway hope u're doing fine with the new revelation which was brought to u. teee heee! U're da man i swear!

Last night, however, it was Kim's birthday and the bunch of us had dinner together at Deutsches Haus Mont Kiara. I couldn't afford anything there though but i did have a good time chatting up with most. But yeah i did try their meals before so i wouldn't say i've missed alot entirely. =D For some reason i can't seem to upload any pictures to the ftp server so if u people wanna see some pics, go to Sui's site. Can't believe i just wrote that.

I'll try again later today to upload the pictures. I'm just so totally drained out now and i wanna just sleeeppppp. G'nite everyone.