I'll bring you back to the stars.

It has been really tough as of late for a person such as myself. The responsibility given isn't exactly as lenient to me as to some. The frustration lies in the inability to point fingers to others, for it is but myself to blame and no one else. I should have started earlier, when opportunities were abundant.

Instead i blatantly allowed it to soar right by my very sight and opened doors for others to intercept. i can't measure the amount of regret i have in me for doing so knowing for a fact that the process of upbringing wasn't going to be easy. I must admit that the comfort zone i hibernated in felt satisfying and, probably during that time, content.

Nevertheless, it was during that time that i've managed to be more educated. More exposed in the sense where every experience were an eye opener for me. Never had i felt more alive and well with things which were going on around me. It is with that, that i've become who i am today which proves to be nothing short of priceless for myself.

Now with the whole new formed life, it's taking longer then i've expected to get use to. Yes i was and definately still am dependant on the past. Things move differently now. And no amount of priceless experience could have prepared me for now. Everything seems hazy, yet they're all moving so hasty towards me. There are so much for me to grasp and learn in such a short given time. Regrets boils deep within me.

I guess this is how working life is to me for the mean time and i have no choice but to grow up and adapt to it.

It is said that none can ever be satisfied with what they have.... not me, i was satisfied in full till now.

I was astonished at the very sight before me. It was utter tranquility to say the least. Never would i expected it to happen just before my eyes. Revenge feeds on my very temptation on settling the score even.

Every single blood cell in my body howls in me to grab the necessary utensils and loose myself on the arts which were embedded on me before. I understood by acknowledging the freedom and total access that i had i could manipulate the talent which never existed in me till then.

The non-stop thumping in my head reminded me that i've never felt so alive yet ironically never more did i wanted to die. I hated my conscience, no i despised it at that very moment. The more i was reminded of the indecent act, the more my head pounded with a steady droning beat.

No, not me, i never did what i had all the rights to do. Instead i just sat there admiring and snickering to myself for an entire hour at the situation. Constantly with a cigarette in my hand and an astray on the other i smiled, knowing very well how vulnerable they can be at the time when they least expected it.

I'm only human and i've won...... for now.

Each time a person passes away, it leaves a trail of sadness and unforgotten memories along the way. These memories would rekindle all a sudden and it would hit me off guard. It puts me in a state of mind where everything seems to defeat the purpose of believing things are not as permanent as they should be. That things may seem at the up most but eventually it would all fade away, carrying the joy and happiness it always had with them.

It reminds me that i should never take advantage of the smallest things in life knowing that by making the best out of it, i have everything to gain. For a friend who would leave us just like that teaches us a very valuable lesson where, to some, may not learn when he/she is still alive. We should never judge, although at times it may be difficult not to. Acknowledging the fact that there are still some goodness in this world is a start, where a person could just have the tiniest possibility to change for the better, and that everyone do deserve a second chance.

I had my fair share of friends who would just come and go, literally. I did take advantage with the time i had with them. Knowing that i could had always spend more time with them when they were still around. Contemplating the very fact with the shouldn't and should, couldn't and could leaves me numb. It feeds on my very existence that the regret i have in me can't just be suppressed, less to say even fade away. I can only harness the strength in me and just block out whatever regrets i have inside and just get myself lost in happy times that i was lucky enough to have with them.

Some would say it's all about fate. That when it's time for you to go you have to. To me, personally it's cock shit. Fate is just but a word where many have taken full advantage of when they've met up face to face with the unknown. If fate lives in you then you do not have total control of your own life. Make the necessary efforts to construct and mold the life you wish to live and not let anything get in the way. Fate, study it, understand it, accept it, detest it, harness it, and most of all control it. You are who you make yourself to be.


In memory of Nottifish H . Y . Mak
4th of June 1978 - 7th of April 2002

It is saddening that we're permanently residing in a world where percentage of the population hopes for miracles to befall instead of being the miracle that they are and harbour the necessary effort in achieving their goal. I mean who can be blamed? Especially when we adore the comfort state we're in.

In short we are molded in a way where we're all a bunch of lazy fuckers who would never go the extra mile if there's not a tiny bit of benefit instored for us. Now these may be the people who would be able to achieve their dreams cause of the stated obvious, benefits. There are those who would lay back, dreaming bout their goals, and hoping for miracles.

Personally wishing and hoping never worked out for the better for me. Instead i've lost so much by just doing that. I can't help it knowing that there are a selected few circumstances which keep reassuring me that there're still some good left in this world, that some are being more selfless then sellfish, that some may eventually come to realise that what you're doing is not for yourself but for others, and that some would sincerely acknowledge and accept the reasons for your actions.

Read in between the lines of the picture.


The 2 most important things in my life

Ever had one of those periods where you're neither living fully nor living in a mask? Where you know you're just not being fake and also not being really real. Stuck in between both realms where there's not a single intention to outlive any two. Especially when there's something you want so badly but it was never yours to even begin with.

Obtaining it, even for the slightest second would put the world in an amiss state that nothing else exists and matters. However loosing it would result to faulty attitude, deprivation, and of course depression. True? Why not? When there're such longing, we humans would crave so much that eventually insanity kicks in. The more we can't have something the more the value would ascend.

Deprivation would lead to nothing but disappointment and discomfort. I for one can never stand the experience of not being able to get what I want. Call me spoiled but know that you too have, at one point or probably all the time, been self-centered and greedy as well. Fuckers are born every hour and we are one of them or so help me and prove me wrong.

There are those who would seek what I crave. God knows even I too envy some that has it all. If they knew what I knew, seen what I've seen, they're going to try to take it all away. Depriving me from what's rightfully mine. Something valued that much could mean only fantasy to some, but reality to me.


I should probably just down a chill pill and have a cup of shut the fuck up.