I'll bring you back to the stars.

The days seem to pass me by really slowly as of late which i'm still trying to get use to. Surprising as it may be i did not have the strength nor the heart to just go out. Knowing for sure i'm not myself, i'm not going to let any suffer because of my unnecessary problems.

Partly maybe because thoughts were overwhelming me and also maybe cause i just didn't have the heart to have a really black expression infront of those who cared. Putting on a mask is just too exhausting and sad. Selfish as it is i just need sometime for me to find a way out. I was always able to and i'm just going to keep to that thought although things may be a little off. And to do that i have to rant to myself.

As i struggled to pull myself together to try to make the necessary efforts to get my sorry ass off my bed, i managed to mingle with those who are still close to me. Plans were made at the very last minute. Destination was chosen. Cars were driven. Friends were fetched. Drinks were served. Tracks were laid. All of us just didnt feel the same like how we used to a couple of years back. But we tried. We tried really hard. We succumbed to stupid yet entertaining acts of foolishness to keep ourselves steady.

Although i know this outing was but temporary, although i know my friends tried to keep be stabilized, although we made efforts together to try to have the slightest bit of fun, although the music was really good, although familiar faces were a sign of welcome, although it ended at an early hour, although i know the thoughts would still be haunting me the next day and that i still have to face and of course deal with the inevitable, yet i still had what i thought seemed impossible especially during times like these and by that i'll keep close to the fact..... that i did have fun tonight.

Demo
1. Sundawner:Kystal Dreams (Cosmicman Mix)
2. Prime Mover:Evolution
3. Amnesia (Technikal Remix)
4. Rocco:Generation of Love (Walt and Feliz Remix)
5. Alphazone:Flashback (Dave Joy Remix)
5. Fast Floor:Keep Rocking (Fast Floor Rerub)
6. Phil York & Gaz West:Rock
7. Sol Ray & Dark By Design:Paradise (Original Mix)
8. Phil York & Gaz West:Devotion
9. Gaz West:Playing With Fire (Dark By Design)

It's a little off key do bare with me. It was one of those things where i just did spontaneously to prevent my mind from wandering off.

Left me all alone. Can't take it. Can't seem to accept it as much as i would want to. Wish you were here by my side. Don't want to be alone. It's scary. Don't want to be abandoned yet i was the one who ran.

Was willing to give everything still it was insufficient. That i can accept and understand. If only i could show you what you meant to me. Cause i'll give you more than i'm actually supposed to..... willingly.

I was so close. Obtaining what meant the world to me. And it all just faded pass me in an instant. Loosing the thing that was, through my eyes.....perfection. It was and had always been about the friendship to you. Unfortunately i saw more... much more.

I just can't stop thinking. Everything seems related to you. I want out. For the very first time i'm blinded and trapped with no open doors or whatsoever at my very sight. Someday i'll see you again. Although that things will never ever be the same, i will still be waiting for that day all my life...

As i reside wherever i can be, i think to myself while frowning my eye brows and twitching my neck. Hours after hours passed yet i can't seem to choose, less to say accept the right path which, to my imagination, is covered with shattered glasses everywhere.

I never felt so tired within before....ever. Everything is messed up inside and my body seems to be taking it's own sweet time to mend things back in place. Probably this was the price, the consequences i had to submit to. As i went through everything from the start i already knew that at one point this day would come.

Preparations were of course made but when reality finally hit, to my surprise i was caught off guard. The irony of it all was that i could picture everything that i could feel if this day finally comes yet i was still never ready at all although i thought i was prepared for it.

Closing my eyes while endless thoughts rush to my head. It just keeps coming automatically and it pisses the hell out of me that i can't do anything to stop it from gushing. So i stretch hoping it would all disappear or at least subside from my head.

Even with strength i felt weaken and fell endlessly. Even with intelligence i didn't think straight. Even with experiences i repeated my mistakes. Even with happiness i cried. Even with courage i couldn't change the things i couldn't accept. Even with serenity i can't accept the things i couldn't change.... This is life at it's fullest.

Here i am, at the corner of my room sitting down with my legs crossed, thinking distinctively to myself. As i pried through what's left of my sanity i could only find questions which are still unanswered. My tolerance and patience level are nearing it's peak. Nevertheless i'm still maintaining in control. Hoping things would be alright.

With my head burried into my hands, i just can't figure out any solutions. Helpless as i am yet i'm striving. Exposure is hitting while i'm left with absolutely nothing. Here i am, at the corner of my room sitting down with my legs crossed, thinking distinctively to myself....... what went wrong.

I had my fair share of experiences being a staunch christian. Never had i ever pictured myself in accepting Christ although yeah i was born a Catholic, nevertheless being in church on sundays was more of a choice then a believe for me. I always thought there was something not right in the Catholic teachings as i was never happy within.

Hence i crept over to the otherside, converting myself to being a fellow protestant. In truth, i had my doubts although i was a member of the Assembly of God but yet i gave myself the chance which was only right. Even when the day came that i was guided on the sinner's prayer, i was never sure if i've did the right thing. I had to be sure what i was getting myself into and not believe in something which i couldn't find comfort in.

Till the day finally came when i was in my very first youth camp. It was not only witnessing my fellow brothers and sisters speaking in tongues but also experiences i beheld in which i would regard as unexplainable.... x-files. I finally believed. Wholeheartedly i gave everything to Christ.

It was the beginning of a new journey for me. I was not only curious on the religion but other believes as well such as Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, and of course the never ending war between the Catholics and Protestants. I did the necessary studies on them, mostly on Islam and Catholic and found out so many thing which was wrong in eyes of Protestant believers. Note, only in the eyes of Protestants.

I was attending church on thursdays, fridays, saturdays and sundays during then which, until now, couldn't believe how i could manage. I felt happy to those who were safe, and sad to those who have chosen the wrong path. I even shared to strangers the word of God. Trying to bring the good news to them that they can be forgiven and that there's a better place after death.

It was a tiring chore but yet it came from the heart. Obviously it came with a price where i was shunned badly by most but yet i kept persisting. Till Mak finally gave way and left. I backslidded before then and was trying endlessly to pick myself up again. But when he died i just couldn't continue. Instead i questioned my fate and asked tones of questions which were of course answered but not to my liking and satisfaction.

I hated HIM then and never wanted to have anything to do with HIM anymore i promised myself. But yet time and time again HE never failed to be there for me whenever i needed him most. Especially even when i've never asked for help, he gave his hand. I couldn't stand the guilt and finally i believed again that God exist.... but there was one very big difference... i have second thoughts on Christ and fellow Christians.

If i would have to list down everything here in words on why is that, people would not get what i mean but instead i would sprout anger in hearts. I don't believe that the only way to heaven is THROUGH Christ anymore and that i have to attend church in order for me to enjoy the gift of heaven. In conclusion believing in God is something personal and is always something within us, not in a 4 walled concrete building structure in which most would call church. Enjoy.....

I took a trip down Singapore where i finally understood the hidden evil of CC. Before i made the trip i've already finalized the stuffs which i was 'supposed' to indulge in which was the Supreme Crossover and probably a few Ts. Aside from those, i needed also to take a break so i paid the good lady RM100 to get me there.

It was a whole different scenario when i was down there. Here and there things were calling, wait.... let me rephrase that, SHOUTING for my attention and knowing for the sucker i was and still am i ended up with things i couldn't afford to pay till i land a new job. Yes i've finally resigned for a whole lot of reasons which i am but a tad too lazy to explain here.

After the fantastic fiesta last week i hadn't had the strength nor the heart to be selfish. Instead i succumbed in order to make things much easier and probably contributed to the path that as of yet, smooth sailing. I swear it wasn't easy seeing and hearing the things which i saw and heard there and then although i kept a smiling expression which was, i shit you not, a whole lot of effort to begin with considering that i had with me a really simple excuse from the start for being there.

No doubt bout it, if u asked me it was worth the world that i had to put up with although things may not be as sustained as i thought it would have been. Funny in a way yet saddening at the very same time. It isn't gonna be an easy task but probably it's high time for me to forsake the selfishness which were molded in me and just TRY. Not a walk in the park one would say which i can fully agree. Chanting the whole time to myself, with heaps of effort harbored, is tiring and really takes alot out of me. Only three words yet the burden is as heavy as the cross the big man had to carry. Let it go........

Her that I love, I wish to be free ... even from me.