I'll bring you back to the stars.

AGAK LAMA TAK DENGAR MUZIK YANG BEGITU TERRER!
so says Brewster.....

As usual, alot have been on my mind lately. Think i have to come to terms that i can't stop thinking bout little things in detail. I do have the tendency to reminisce a bit too much and blow everything out of proportion. Things that are bad i could always find a significant good in them. But it does comes with a price when the opposite hits where i could also find everything which are ugly bout a certain blessing.

Paranoia fills me everytime when something which i believe is great happens. I'm one who never had what it takes to deserve such good things in life. Whenever i'm that close, things would always have a way of their own to wreck the entire situation. No, never once have i tasted greatness. Is there such a thing even? I doubt it so much especially when i know i can be easily satisfied. Yet i'm never with my own achievements. Ironic isn't it? Am i contradicting everything? Or what i truly believed in has been all a long a lie?

I know its difficult to accommodate my kind of personality and it does take great patience to sit down and try to understand me fully. From the surface, alot may realize that i have an easy going character within, that it doesn't take much to read me. Yes i am like that from the outside and it is part of me. But what about inside? I'm not proud to say that i'm a little on the disturbed side. Freaks the hell out of me even to say the least.

If i can't stand to see that in myself how can someone from the outside accept such characteristics? I know for one i'm not alone here. That there are some out there who has the same troubling personality. How can i ever share that out in the open and be free?... I really need someone to comprehend and understand what i'm going through inside every single day. Call me weak, but i just can't seem to do this on my own. It's been there every since i've learn to think for myself.

It would certainly be an eye opener and relief if someone would take their time and just listen carefully on what i may not be willing to share. A battle with myself that's for sure. Ok i admit, i'm lost... I've been lost ever since the day i gave him up. But then again, i'm not willing to forsake everything that currently makes up of Ben Hon just to fill that emptiness. No... not just yet. The music is always playing which means he who is the prince of this world is still dancing.... and i've been taken for that smooth ride... and enjoying it.

My all time favourite picture...

Through her walking back to get her handphone and yet still shutting / locking the door while her mom was standing right next to her i see necessary effort

Through him dedicating Sunday nights to dine with his parents i see unconditional love

Through him sticking to his tight curfew when he's 25 i see obedience

Through her forsaking the comfort of her home i see love and sacrifice

Through her picking up the phone to dial home and catch up i see priority and blood

Through him being there without questions asked i see loyalty

Through her company i see friendship

Through him offering me a beer when i'm in the midst of having issues i see brotherhood

Through him patting my back indicating that things will be alright i see sincerity and care

Through her giving in to my unreasonable urges of attention i don't see stubbornness

Through her being so difficult but yet would still give me a hug i see unconditional lurve and compensation

Through them overseeing while i'm playing i see guidance

Through them not judging i see fairness

Through them shouting with hands raised i sense passion and dedication

Through her setting things aside and standing there everytime giving endless support i see true loyalty

Through her not hating me for my empty promises i see patience

Through her i see sufficiency

Through myself i see friendship

Through myself i see loyalty and love

Through myself i see paranoia

Through myself i see shades of darkness

Through myself i detest the light

Through myself i see silence

Through myself i don't see them in me

In me whom i love i wish to be free.... even from myself